


heartscam

by MelodicWriter



Category: Bandersnatch - Fandom, Black Mirror, Black Mirror: Bandersnatch
Genre: Bandersnatch - Freeform, M/M, Pining, Reality Bending, You'll see what I mean when you read it lol, give us a colin and stefan arc cowards, this fic is a mixture of the film plus me modifying it to give us a better and more gay option
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 05:02:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17217503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelodicWriter/pseuds/MelodicWriter
Summary: Stefan Butler has impulses that tell him what to do, despite not making choices himself.





	heartscam

**Author's Note:**

> I named this fic after one of my favorite songs. The fic isn't really based around it, but it can be applied to the story.

Stefan wasn't sure when he had the first impulse. He didn't know if it was a day ago, a week ago, or throughout his entire life. All he knew was that they were apart of him now. Every time he had to make any sort of decision, the impulse was there. Even at simple choices, like what song to listen to on the bus. Without thinking, his hand went for the cassette labeled Thompson Twins. 

He had forgotten what it felt like to make a decision for himself. What it felt like to be in control of his world. In a way, it reminded him of when he was a child when his parents made every choice for him. What to eat. Where to go. What to do. It was like he was back at square one and there was nothing he could do about it. 

His therapist didn't believe him. In one of his sessions with her, she tried to have him 'discern reality from delusions' (her words, not his). All he could do was let out a frustrated sigh and go along with her silly exercises. He knew what he was experiencing better than her. They weren't delusions. There was no way he was making up the physical urge to do whatever the impulse was. 

That's what it was; a physical sensation. A physical sensation that ran all the way down to his core. If he died and his body was examined, he was sure that whoever was cutting open his corpse would find traces of it. 

Despite how much it hindered Stefan, it wasn't completely a bust. There were times where his impulses wanted him to work or made decisions for him he would've chosen for himself if he had the option to. Well, at least he thought it was what he would've picked. He wasn't certain anymore. Not certain about anything at all. 

"How's the game coming along?" Mohan Thakur asked, his voice coming in choppy through the phone. 

Stefan didn't answer at first. He glanced at his walls covered in elements from his game. Choice paths snaked around the room. Drawings of characters glared down at him as if they judged him for not making as much progress as he should've.

"Fine." Stefan lied, biting his lip until blood started to pool on the already chapped surface. "Yeah, yeah it's been coming along." 

"When do you think you'll be done?"

"Soon." Yet another lie. In all honesty, he had no idea. There were so many different routes and variations that Stefan's head was in a whirl. He wasn't sure which paths he already programmed and which he still had to do.

"Don't forget about the deadline. You only have a couple of weeks left." Mohan gruffly remarked, hanging up. Stefan listened to the empty tone for a few moments before setting the phone back down. He went back to programming and typing away at his clunky computer.

The next couple of days blurred together in a haze of code. Stefan didn't leave his room except to go to the bathroom. His eyes had started to burn from looking at the bright screen for so long. Individual pieces of code lost their meaning. He wasn't sure if half of it was even correct anymore, but he couldn't stop. He had to keep going. He had to get _Bandersnatch_ finished by the deadline. Eating and sleeping became secondary needs. 

A knock at the door made Stefan flinch. His Father walked into his room, mug in hand.

"Stefan?"

Stefan glanced over his shoulder. His Father set the mug down near one of his many piles of crumpled papers with scribblings varying in degrees of messiness.

"Tea." He explained. "Look, I'm gonna go to the pub for some lunch. If you fancy tagging along..." 

Stefan hunched over his book, not paying his Father much attention. He didn't have time to go out to some pub and force himself to make conversation while there was much to be done in _Bandersnatch_. In fact, the notion of leaving his desk for a fraction of a second caused a spark of irritation.

"No, I'm alright." 

"You didn't have anything for breakfast." His Father pointed out. 

Stefan gritted his teeth. He was fully aware of his eating habits. He didn't need a reminder, like he was some idiot that couldn't remember the slightest thing. 

"Dad. I'm fine." Stefan insisted, toying with the thick book resting beside him. He prayed that he would drop it and stop making him have this trite talk. Every second he endured this discussion was one second less he could've been finishing up a path or adding in a new character. 

"Is everything alright?" His Father asked, peering over Stefan's shoulder. Stefan clicked on his keyboard. The logo appeared and rolled down the screen. 

"Stefan, I'm worried about you. You've been stuck in your room for weeks." 

The logo almost reached down to the bottom of the screen. Before it could get there, it faded to white. At the bottom of the screen was a small error code. A flash of disbelief and anger coursed through Stefan. 

_You've got to be kidding me._

"Stefan?"

There it was again. The impulse. This time, he felt the urge to yell at his Father.

_Yeah I'm mad, but I don't want to yell at him..._

Stefan stared at the computer screen, trying to figure out what went wrong. His Father became increasingly less patient.

"Will you talk to me?"

Stefan kept his mouth closed shut. If he opened it to speak, he was sure loud words of anger would pour out. His Father glowered at him.

"Look, I can't help if you just sit there and don't speak!"

That was it. The point of breakage. He could no longer contain himself from the desire to scream that was mounting in his chest.

"Dad, just fuck off!" Stefan stood up from the chair so quickly that it tipped over and fell to the ground. It felt good to succumb to the choice, but afterwards he was left confused.

_Why did I just do that? I didn't want to yell in the first place._

His Father was shocked, his mouth parted and his eyes wide. He didn't say anything at first. Stefan didn't like the look his Father was giving him; like he was trying to figure out what happened to his son. Instead of his child, he was face to face with an unstable stranger.

"I'm sorry. I'm... I'm just... I'm just stressed." He tried to explain, shamefully looking down.

"Get your coat." His Father sternly said."We're going for lunch."

"Dad, I need to finish this."

"-And we'll go in the car." His Father cut him off before he could issue another protest. 

*****************

Stefan awoke in the car. He had fallen asleep at some point, though he couldn't recall the exact moment when.

"We're here." His Father said, unbuckling his seat belt and hopping out of the car. Stefan did the same. When he glanced around, he noticed that this was not a pub. It was the therapy establishment of Dr.Haynes. Suddenly, the pub didn't seem so bad.

"This is Dr.Haynes' place. You said we were getting lunch." A sense of betrayal fell over Stefan as he stared sullenly over at the building. 

"You need to speak to her. You're under pressure, you're... You're not sleeping, you're not eating... I'm concerned about you, Ok?" 

Behind him, Stefan saw Colin Ritman walking through the crowd. He made eye contact with Colin. Stefan felt a jolt in his stomach, followed by a series of butterflies. He had no idea if the impulses were making them, or if they were what he actually felt upon laying his eyes on Colin's platinum blond head. The impulses seemed to want him to chase after Colin. 

_I would've chosen that too._

"I think the healthiest thing to do is to talk about any concerns you may have instead of bottling them up inside." 

Stefan eyed the building one last time before heading after Colin. 

"Stefan come back." His Father said, watching him walk away. Stefan blended in with the group of people. He weaved his way around the mass of bodies trying to get to Colin. He saw him ahead. Just a few more feet.

"Stefan!"

"Colin." Stefan had caught up to where Colin aimlessly walked. Colin turned around, a puff smoke coming from his mouth. The smell of smoke usually made Stefan scrunch up his nose, but he didn't mind it coming from Colin. "Hi." 

Colin looked Stefan up and down, eyeing him with curiosity. "How's _Bandersnatch_ going?"

_The god damn game. I can't get away from it for even a second._

"Not good." Stefan admitted. He wasn't proud to tell this to his idol who could've probably made the game with his eyes closed. "Not good. I'm just... lost."

"You're in the hole." Colin took another drag from his cigarette. He started to walk away from Stefan, forcing him to follow. 

"In the what?" 

"In a fight with your own head." 

_Finally, someone that understands what I've been going through._

"Yes. That's exactly it."

"You got anywhere to be later?" Colin abruptly asked. Stefan felt warmth rise to his cheeks.

"Er, well, no." 

"Come with me." The invite took Stefan by surprise. Colin wanted to hang out with him? He sure as hell wasn't expecting that.

*****************

"You have a choice. Would you like some or not?" Colin sat across from Stefan with a strange tab resting on his finger. They were in a room by themselves. Kitty and Colin's daughter were off in another room. Stefan couldn't help but feel a little bit guilty. He was taking away Colin's time with family. Another part of him though, didn't care.

_Take that. He's spending time with me and not you. How does that feel?_

Stefan shoved the vindictive thought as deep down as he could. Now was not the time to be having possessive urges about someone that wasn't even his to begin with. He glanced at Colin's finger with the drug. 

"I... don't know." Stefan didn't mess around with hard drugs. They always freaked him out. He was already messed up in the head (as he was told). He could only imagine what a substance like that could do.

Colin walked over to where Stefan was perched on the couch. He held out one of the tablets. Stefan looked it, his heart pounding in his ears. 

Another impulse. Take the tablet. Take it. Accept it. 

Stefan reached down and carefully lifted the tab with his finger. He looked up at Colin with bulging eyes. Colin smiled. He lifted his own up to his mouth.

"Together." 

At the same time, Stefan and Colin placed the small pieces on their tongues. Stefan tilted his head. Nothing was happening. The room looked the same as it had when he first entered. He glanced over to the clear sliding glass doors. Dim light filtered in from outside. Daylight was waning. Night would make its cyclical arrival in a few hours. 

"Now what?" Stefan asked, looking into Colin's eyes. He swore there was a mischievous glint in their pale depths. 

"We wait." 

*****************

Stefan had never experienced this sort of sensation before. He wasn't thinking about how his game could possibly fail or that his Father was likely worried about his whereabouts since he disappeared. He was living in the moment. The walls were moving. Colors were swirling together as if they had been animated. Everything seemed brighter. The heavy boulders on his shoulders were no more. His body was so light it could've floated away in the breeze coming from the open door.

Stefan blew on a painting. The flowers in the picture moved where his breath went. While Stefan was giggling to himself, Colin was raving. Stefan wasn't quite sure what it was about it. It sounded serious. Something about Pac man and mirrors? He had no idea. 

What he did have an idea about, was when Colin came up to him and gripped his face. Colin's fingers were pleasant on his skin. Every second he kept them on Stefan, Stefan felt the warmth in his chest expand. He looked deeply into Colin's eyes, which had begun to start melting. 

"Do you understand? I've set you free." Colin said, wildly searching Stefan's wonder-filled and horrified gaze. 

Stefan had no idea what he was supposed to understand, but he assumed it was that being with Colin was lovely. He nodded, giggling once more. "I think so." 

"I'll show you what I mean. Come with me." Colin slid open the door and led Stefan to the balcony. The cool night took some of the edge off of the high Stefan was on. He lowered slightly back to reality. Blinking, he looked around the spot where they stood. 

"One of us is going over." Colin said, pointing over the side of the balcony. Stefan glanced down. They were up pretty high. A sense of fear infiltrated his bubble of warmth. He didn't think that _this_ was what Colin meant by understanding.

"No, you'd die." Stefan whimpered, backing up from the side. 

"It doesn't matter because there are other timelines. Other timelines where we don't jump. We'll be fine." He looked completely convinced of this. His fingers traced ledge, almost poetically. "So, who will it be?"

"No. I don't want either of us to go over!" Stefan exclaimed, the wind carrying his words over to Colin. "Why don't we go back inside?" 

"Afraid that isn't possible. One of us is going over." Colin remained resolute. "If you don't, I will." He hopped up on the side of the ledge and swung his legs over so they hung over the side of the building.

"No! Colin get over here." Stefan didn't think. He just acted. He rushed over to Colin and tried to pull him down.

"Let me go, Stefan." Colin ordered, staring out at the night sky. Stefan shook his head. "No!" He tugged on Colin's arm.

In doing so, Colin and Stefan fell back onto the balcony. Colin landed on top of Stefan, the boys in a tangled mess. Stefan's face flamed up. He crawled out from underneath Colin.

"Is there a timeline where I save you?"

"You've created one now." Colin smiled. "Fine, we can go back."

*****************

"Do you ever have... impulses?" Stefan asked Colin when they were safely inside. They were sitting next to each other on the couch. 

"What kind of impulses?"

"I don't know... Ones that make you do things, even if you don't choose to do it yourself." 

"Yeah... Someone is controlling us." Colin said nonchalantly, as if Stefan had asked him to name his favorite food. 

"Who?"

"Some spirit. The government. It's all the same thing; Some higher creature using its power over us." Colin bitterly remarked, leaning back on the couch.

"Do you think we have any free will at all? Or is everything just the result of someone else's decision for us?" Stefan's eyes widened. It was all making sense as to why he never felt like his decisions were his own. That's because they weren't. Colin shrugged.

"I doubt we have free will at all. Whoever is out there controlling us makes every decision from what we eat to if we live or die." 

"That's no way to live." Stefan said, sadly glancing over at the posters surrounding them. They had stopped moving as much, only vibrating in place now.

"You should try to refuse one." Colin suggested, a smirk forming on his lips. Colin's eyes shot over to him, not sure he was hearing correctly. With the drugs he had ingested, it was very possible his brain was fabricating things.

"Refuse... one?"

"Yeah! When the impulse comes, don't do it. Remain still." 

"I don't know... I've never done that before..."

"You said this is no way to live. Might as well then, right?" Colin grinned, invigorated by this new plan. He sat up straighter. "Glad that's settled. Tell me what impulse is coming to you right now."

"To touch my hair." Stefan said, shifting on the couch. It had only been a second since the impulse had arrived and already he was squirming.

"So don't touch your hair." Colin moved his head closer to Stefan, keeping an eye on his brown curly hair. "I'll be monitoring you." 

Stefan let out a noise of discomfort. His hands were trembling, trying to go up towards his hair.

Do it. Touch your hair.

"No. I won't." Stefan said out loud, holding his hands down. His skin was crawling. There must've been a dozen tiny fire ants roaming all over his palms. He bit his lip until the impulse finally passed. 

Shocked, Stefan looked around the room. Nothing had changed but the bewilderment plaguing his mind. He looked to Colin, his face contorting into a strange mixture of expressions. 

"It... went away." He breathlessly said. "It just... went away after I kept fighting it." 

Colin was equally surprised. "Really? Interesting... That gives me an idea. We can get out of all this." He waved around the room.

"Out? Where?" 

"Out of whatever this is. You know, break out of it all. Stop being controlled." Colin stood up, pacing back and forth. "We'll get out of this. Together." 

"O-Okay... How?" Stefan nervously said, watching Colin pace. 

"We have to do everything opposite of what we're told to do. If we keep going against whatever they want, maybe they'll give up and get bored." Colin rambled, placing his hands up to forehead. "Yes, yes that makes sense. Rebel." 

"R-Rebel? I hope it doesn't hurt like the last time I tried to resist..." Stefan muttered nervously, rubbing his hands that still felt on fire. Colin sat back down. 

Stefan didn't know if it was the heat of the moment, the possibility of making his own choices again, or how cute Colin looked in his oversized dorky glasses, but he leaned forward and kissed him. Their lips grazed together softly. The kiss didn't last for too long; just long enough for them to get a taste of each other. Colin pulled away first.

"Was that one of the impulses?" 

"No." Stefan smiled. 

*****************

The next week in between Stefan working on _Bandersnatch_ , Colin would come over. The two would practice how to combat the impulses. It wasn't perfect, but they were getting the hang of it.

"I chose toast instead of cereal like I was being told this morning." Stefan announced with a shy smile. "What about you?" 

"I walked to work instead of taking my car." Colin replied, glancing over at Stefan's wall of game prints. "How are you doing on the game?"

"Okay, I think." He sat down at his desk and booted up the computer. Familiar lines of code greeted him where he left off. 

"You only have a couple days left, yeah?"

"Mhmm." Stefan murmured. He walked over to where Colin was spread out and joined him. "I'm not sure I can get it done with you distracting me." 

Colin laughed. "I can leave if you want." He started to roll off of the bed. Stefan reached over and grabbed his hand.

"I would prefer you not to go." 

Colin moved to his original position. "As long as you promise to get working on _Bandersnatch_.”

"Yeah, yeah." Stefan rolled his eyes. He retreated back to his desk and returned to the world of code sequences. 

*****************

Fighting the impulses was hard. No. That was an understatement. More like the most challenging thing Stefan had taken on (Besides designing a game from scratch, of course). He didn't realize how many times choices were truly being made for him on a day to day basis until he actively tried to suppress and thwart them from happening.

Sometimes he would've rather gave in. Just done whatever whoever out there wanted and called it day. He couldn't though. As bad as it got, it wasn't as bad as knowing he had no free will.

It was painful, but he was making progress. Even if that progress was slow, it was there. Whether it be less pain or more awareness, it was progress nonetheless. 

Stefan kept the plan between him and Colin. He didn't tell his Father or his therapist. After hearing what Colin said, he didn't know who he could trust. The only one he could trust was Colin. Just Colin. 

ONE YEAR LATER

" _Bandersnatch?_ Yay or Nay?" 

"Yay for sure. The game's varied paths make for a very interesting experience. You can tell a lot of effort was put into it by the creator Stefan Butler. It's pretty accurate to the novel it is inspired from too. Amazing. 5 out of 5 stars." 

"See, I told you they would love it." Colin said to Stefan. They were sitting on Colin's couch watching the television. 

Stefan blushed at the praise. "I guess you were right." 

Colin smiled. "What a great birthday gift, huh? I don't think mine can compare." The voices of the TV personalities droned on in the background.

"Oh, I'm sure it can. If you got the right cake, then it's already perfect."

"Vanilla?"

"Yes." Stefan giggled, looking into Colin's eyes. "Right once again."

"I thought so." Colin kissed Stefan on the forehead. "Let's go cut you a piece of that cake." He stood up from the couch and walked to the kitchen.

A widespread warmth enveloped Stefan, like the night he had done the drugs with Colin. Except this time, he was completely sober. His game had received the best possible rating from one of the most valued reviewers, him and Colin were together, and most astounding of all, Stefan hadn't felt any impulses in a very long time. Life was good.

**Author's Note:**

> So here was my Black Mirror fic. I don't think it is as good as some of the other Stef/Col fics (mainly because low self esteem so I have no idea how good this is) but ! I hope you enjoyed it. I gave them a sweet happy ending which is exactly what they deserve:) fun fact! This was partly inspired by the scene where Stefan refuses our command we give him (either biting nails or pulling his ear)


End file.
